As I was reading the book The Supernatural Power of Forgiveness, a breakthrough happened upon my soul.Jason Vallotton was feeling anxiety one day, and he didn't know why. As he began to dialogue with the Holy Spirit, he was shocked to hear, "You use anxiety as a tool. You've partnered with it to help you."
Conviction hit every ounce of my being. It reverberated in the deep parts of me and declared with a trumpeting voice, "Ooohhh that's been my problem this whole time."
You see from an early age I was taught to be motivated by anxiety. I can still hear my mother's voice enticing/ yelling/coaxing me to hurry up. Procrastinating became an art form. Balancing the delicate high wire act of waiting just long enough to get motivated with just enough time to accomplish my goals or deadlines.
The sneaky part about this motivator of anxiety is that he can come in all sorts of decibels and tones. They can be soft or loud, sweet or harsh, inviting or off-putting. He was an enemy cloaked as a friend because I became successful.
He showed up today when I didn't want to make the necessary emails to transfer insurance agents. I found myself wanting to put it off. I could feel the enticing nature of anxiety slithering across my feet. As I realized an opportunity to make him my friend again, I wrote the email. "Get her done," as Kris Vallotton says. Freedom lies at my doorstep, and I plan to make Him an even more intimate friend.
I'm inviting God into this newly vacant space in my heart and soul. It's a little disconcerting when you've broken up with a friend that was really your enemy. You kinda miss him and want to go back to relying on him especially when he was such a good motivator. You realize that the reason you can't seem to clean the house or accomplish your to-do list isn't because you don't want to, but because the Lord is delivering you from all forms of anxiety. I need to discover a new friend. Rather, I long to discover the facets of Holy Spirit's ways of motivating.
At one time He lead Jesus into the wilderness to be tempted by Satan. The Holy Spirit knows exactly how to motivate even at some of the darkest times and seasons of our lives. My whole world is changing for the better, but it feels a little bit shaky for the moment.
On a practical level I've committed to waking up at 6:30 when the school year starts so that I don't pass on anxiety to my children. I need to give them enough time to get ready at their paces, not my rushed one. I don't want them to become intimate friends with this enemy of mine.
As I've watch them grow up, I've discovered they aren't born with anxiety as a motivator. They move at their own paces regardless of what's on the agenda. Any parent can attest to how troublesome to your peace this can be. I'm challenged to rid this foe from my life for my own benefit and to the blessing of my children.
Yeshua HaMashiach is continuing to shake the shakeable things within me. I'm so thankful because I know this process is bringing me to a place of complete peace and rest in His heart and under His Wing.
Amazing!!!!!!
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